It was a year of transition and change, a year in which we had a federal election (although apparently no-one told the coalition) and, most importantly, a year in which Queensland won the State of Origin (again).
Here’s to one last look back in wonder, or at least mild bemusement.
January
The Federal election swings into gear, with incumbent PM Anthony Albanese – mindful of the dire state of the federal budget – announcing that “…sensible, targeted spending and fiscal restraint are the order of the day, which is why everyone in a marginal electorate will be getting a free bike.” Opposition leader Peter Dutton replies that if he is elected, they will also get a free pony.
Newly re-elected American President Donald Trump takes office and hits the ground running, by declaring war on public servants. He appoints billionaire buddy Elon Musk to find costs savings in the public service, reasoning that the world’s richest man must be a bastion of financial restraint. Musk leaps into the task, announcing that he will find savings by sacking anyone with a vowel in their name.
February
President Trump meets with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy, telling Zelenskyy Russia had to invade Ukraine, because Zelenskyy refused to dress like the cool kids. Vice-President Vance also noted that the Ukrainian president had a dorky bike, which didn’t help.
Concerns are raised in Australia after Chinese warships conduct live-firing exercises in the Tasman Sea. Pressed by the Australian government in the issue, Chinese Ambassador to Australia Xiao Qian is defiant, responding: “What’s your problem? We didn’t even manage to hit anything, we’re the ones who should be upset!” Foreign Minister Penny Wong described the discussion as ‘reassuring’.
March
Australian Greens Senator Sarah Hanson-Young takes a dead fish to the Senate. There’s really not much to add to that.
Anthony Albanese takes a break from weeks of campaigning for the federal election, to call the federal election. Travel agents are inundated with enquiries about travel to countries which do not have electricity, as Australians realise there is another five weeks of election campaign to go.
Donald Trump announces fresh tariffs on China, Canada, Mexico, Australia, Oz, Mordor and Hogwarts. “I see that Harry Potter kid’s books everywhere,” Trump growls, “and I’ve never seen him pay a damn cent in taxes!”
April
Katy Perry strikes a blow for equal rights by paying a squillion dollars for a flight on Jeff Bezos’ spaceship, proving that space isn’t just for rich, well-connected men; rich, well-connected women can also fly there. Ms Perry says she feels ‘humbled’ to have brought hope to little girls everywhere, as long as they are little girls whose parents are billionaires.
Peter Dutton kicks off his election campaign, literally, by drilling an Aussie Rules football into a cameraman and injuring him. Sadly for Dutton, this proves to be the highlight of his campaign.
May
The Australian Federal Election is held, although Peter Dutton forgets to set his alarm, sleeps in and misses the whole thing, failing even to vote for himself. Many Australians also fail to vote for him, and Anthony Albanese is re-elected. The PM immediately began work on his election promise to reduce Australia’s carbon footprint, at least by the level of his personal emissions, by leaving the country the moment the result was confirmed.
The PM flies to Rome for the inauguration of the new Pope, telling reporters he was looking forward to meeting Pope Leo, even though he had really wanted Ralph Fiennes to win. While there, he confronts the Canadian Prime Minister over Canada’s earlier ban on Vegemite. Albo assures his counterpart that if Canada bans Vegemite, he will ban Canadian exports if and when they ever develop any.
June
Prime Minister Albanese continues his efforts to reduce carbon emissions by flying to Fiji and the US. Qantas announces that the PM now has enough frequent flyer points for a trip to Mars. Polls shown Australians have no problem with the PM using the points to go to Mars, as long as he doesn’t have enough to get back.
The Tasmanian State election is held, resulting in a tie when all four eligible voters choose ‘rock’.
July
Donald Trump signs the One Big Beautiful Bill Act (seriously, that is its actual name) which is designed to level the playing field in America, by reducing tax for billionaires and making it harder for the poor to get food stamps. Trump says this action is long-overdue, noting: “It is about time our heroic, hard-working and un-sung billionaires stopped subsidising those greedy, free-loading homeless people!”
The bill will add almost $3 trillion to the budget by 2034, which Trump says Mexico will pay.
America and Japan announce a new trade agreement, which involves 15 per cent tariffs on Japanese goods, Japan investing $550 billion in the US, paying for the wall in Mexico, giving Donald Trump a new set of golf clubs and allowing Trump to give the Prime Minister of Japan a swift kick up the backside whenever he feels like it. A spokesperson for the Japanese government says, “It’s still better than what Kier Starmer got.”
August
President Trump holds talks with Russian President Vladmir Putin, aimed at resolving the conflict in Ukraine. Trump addresses the press soon after the meeting: “It was great, really great – I got his autograph, and he says I can come to his birthday party!”
The president also reports that they made progress, with Trump agreeing to keep making fun of Ukrainian leader Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s bike, and Putin considering a cease-fire along the current battle lines if Trump is prepared to throw in France.
Trump notes this development as ‘promising’.
In Australia, Federal MP Bob Katter holds a press conference to announce his intention to punch reporter Josh Bavas in the mouth. Many politicians criticised Mr Katter, with former Deputy Prime Minister Wayne Swann suggesting that Katter should take Bavas for a beer; Bavas replied that he rather be punched.
September
Donald Trump changes the name of the Department of Defence to Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron, and decrees that he himself will henceforth be referred to as Lord Vader.
Former Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews visits China to attend a meeting of the non-affiliated World Aspirational Dictators society, which largely consists of him and Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin. The meeting is a success despite the disappointment at finding that the name Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron is already taken. Andrews announces that from now on he will be called Voldemort.
October
Anthony Albanese finally manages to secure a meeting with Donald Trump, although it is believed Trump thought he was meeting the President of Estonia. Albanese offers to help Trump with the situation in Ukraine, offering to give Volodymyr Zelenskyy a bike that is ‘way cooler’ than Putin’s, as long as Zelenskyy votes for him in the next election.
In an effort to show that she has what it takes to be PM in the future, minister for sport Anika Wells flies herself, her husband, her children, their BFFs and the family dog to Thredbo, the Gand Prix, the AFL Grand final and the AGM of the Banyo Country Women’s Association Philatelists. She refers herself to the Parliamentary Expenses Authority when it is revealed that she had tried to have herself flown to her front gate.
November
Australia’s controversial social media age-restriction laws are passed, although the Digital Freedom Project announces plans to challenge the laws based on an implied right in the constitution that big tech companies should be able to do whatever they want, as long as it makes money.
One Nation Senator Pauline Hanson causes controversy by wearing a burqa onto the senate floor. She is banned for 7 days, with the senate saying the stunt was offensive because “we could still hear her.”
December
Despite securing their second moral victory of the series, the English cricket team go 2-0 down in relation to actual victories. They celebrate by heading to the Noosa, where they are beaten in a game of beach cricket by the Kruger State Primary School year 6 break-up party.
Australia’s social media ban comes into effect, preventing children under 16 from accessing social media. The ban lasts for almost four-and-a-half minutes until an eight-year old accesses it by using AI to make herself look like a Kardashian, causing the detection software to register her as a non-human lifeform.
So the year closes, and we hope next year will be a brighter year, a better year, and a year when our Prime Minister manages to finally spend three days in a row on our shores (but I wouldn’t bet on it).
Merry Christmas and a happy new year to all!
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