Last column, I spoke about Instantaneous Expert Syndrome (IES) but it turns out I spoke too soon, and missed the most egregious example of it, which involved a sport new to the Olympics, breakdancing.
I note that breakdancing is now referred to as ‘breaking’, probably because many of its proponents are not comfortable with an accumulation of syllables.
Breaking was very popular back in the 1980s, possibly due to the amount of additives contained in food in those days. For those not in the know, breaking involves what exercise physiologists refer to in a technical sense as ‘rolling around on the floor’.
It gave rise to a movie – Breakdance (they were up all night on the name) which didn’t do as well as the producers had hoped, because it was so bad many film projectors chose to blow up rather than play it. For reasons that top scientists have never been able to divine, there was also a sequel (Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo – the film-name writers were on fire back then) which was even worse, to the point that it makes me re-think my opposition to the death penalty when it comes to anyone involved.
Anyway, somehow, breaking made it into the Paris Olympics; I am assuming that they actually wanted ‘streaking’ in, but there was a typo. This led to an Australian ‘breaker’ known as ‘Raygun’ – a name so bad it is astonishing it hasn’t made its way into one of my ethics case studies – performing at the Olympics, to, shall we say, not exactly universal acclaim.
People within the ‘hip-hop’ community got very upset with this, believing there was a great deal of disrespect in the performance; normal people, whose brains had not been rotted by exposure to the worst form of music since some idiot allowed Meat Loaf into a recording studio, went ‘huh.’ The general opinion was that if breaking was an Olympic sport, then the Olympics had Jumped the Shark, and it wouldn’t be long before balloon animals became an Olympic sport (along with, of course, Jumping the Shark).
Somehow, what should have been a minor incident as newsworthy as Megan Markle stubbing her toe became a major incident as newsworthy as Taylor Swift stubbing her toe. An American academic who lives in Australia – and, believe it or not, has an opinion on what’s wrong with the place – even complained that Raygun had disrespected hip-hop culture, which had apparently been generously shared with the world.
There are only two problems with this: one, hip-hop is only culture in the same way that modern interpretations of Shakespeare are culture, and just as welcome when shared (indeed, I fear a combination of the two is just a matter of time: ‘To be or not? That’s the dope debate/suffer the gatts and caps of outrageous fate/is that noble, or not too great?/might bust the King if it ain’t too late’); and two, it’s only sharing if you give it away. Last I checked, hip-hop artists weren’t handing out free copies of their songs.
In any event, the breaking community took time out from their busy schedule of buying baggy pants and corrupting the English language to the point of uselessness, to unleash on Raygun the sort of tsunami of condemnation they usually reserve for Taylor swift, and, for that matter, anyone who can actually sing.
I think this is a bit harsh – partly because I don’t really care about breaking, but mostly because I really don’t care about breaking. Also, let’s face it, she put breaking on the map; prior to her performance, most people thought ‘breaking’ was something other people did very poorly in traffic.
I figure it must be hard for Raygun to deal with all this bullying, and obviously she will need a coping strategy. I understand that within the Breaking community disputes are often settled by dance-offs, but I would not recommend she take that action. This is because, while the response of that community has featured all the logic and restraint of a Greens press release, unlike the Greens the breakers do have a point. Based on her Olympic efforts, Raygun is about as familiar with breaking as she is with Quantum entanglement.
Thankfully, a recent email from my son’s high school has the answer with some tips for dealing with annoying behaviour. For example, here is an actual strategy recommended in the newsletter, transcribed here with 100 per cent accuracy, assuming I have a photographic memory:
If Johnny is annoying you by tapping his pencil on the desk, try saying, “Johnny, that tapping is annoying me and distracting me from my work; could you please stop it so we can both get back to our task?”
I think this is an excellent strategy to combat bullying, provided:
- The person annoying you is named ‘Johnny’; and
- Your aim is for Johnny to stop tapping his pencil on the table, and start banging your head on it until he gets tired.
Otherwise, though, I think it might be an inadequate response to bullying, in the same way that the Prime Minister’s response to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine – saying, “aw, c’mon fellas, be cool!” – is inadequate. I would recommend Raygun simply respond by saying, “I know you are, but what am I?” as, based on their comments to date, this will confuse the majority of her opponents for long enough that they will forget the whole thing.
I realise that there are people out there who love hip-hop and are right into it, and may take a different view than the one expressed in this column, and so I readily concede that everyone is entitled to an opinion; except you.
© Shane Budden 2024
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