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Chicken Salt-Gate: An open letter to parliament or like, whoever handles the laws

Groans, screams, and other noises (usually considered normal in a CBD) have been heard throughout Australia this week.

People are perpetually in a state of unrest, tossing and turning in the night. Bloodshot eyes a natural consequence of sleeplessness in the face of a national travesty.

What originally existed as whispers of dissatisfaction spread by a few who have visited Noosa, Byron Bay, and other “natural” lifestyle cities, have mutated into shrieking, screeching calls for change by the majority. Australians demand change. Society is governed by our laws and our laws need to reflect the beliefs of the people in the current climate. It’s not called climate change for no reason.

The demand is simple: Chicken salt needs to be a mandatory inclusion with all servings of chips.

The below is an open letter to the Australian parliament building. If there is any justice the desires of the people will be heard and change subsequently implemented.

*Ahem*

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Dear Law creator person(s),

I write to you with a request. No. A demand! You need to address a gap in Australian society. For far too long as the Australian people purchase some delicious chips from their local fish and chip shop they have been subjected to the redundant question of, “Oi mate, would you like some chicken salt on ya chippiessss”.

I argue that this question is not only insulting (as the answer is obvious), but also a waste of time for which the Australian economy has suffered immeasurably for. As a result of chicken salt-related deficiencies there is annual loss in GDP of $7,392,234,192.82 per year. Can you measure the immeasurable? Yes … I did it. You are welcome, Australia. I, the writer of this letter am both incredibly handsome and intelligent.

The opposition may state “oi handsome chicken salt lover person, I’m not a fan of chicken salt so I need to be asked so I can politely decline.” To this response I metaphorically punch my hand through a very thick area of dry wall as I scream at the TV because I forgot how upset Red Dog’s death in the 2011 film ‘Red Dog’ makes me. This argument is blatantly wrong and should be considered heresy against the Australian people. This insinuates that it could possibly be justifiable to decline to have chicken salt on your chippies, which is not only flawed but just incorrect. Do you need evidence? Did you get a chance to try Maccas Chicken-Salt Shaker Fries? That slapped … hard (insert moaning face emoji). Enough said.  

What about if the person is allergic to chicken salt? Sorry not sorry, but only the strong can survive. Your sacrifice is acknowledged and appreciated.

Now that I have unarguably proven with facts and science that chicken salt is a mandatory inclusion with all chips, I make the following demands:

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1. You legally make chicken salt a mandatory inclusion with all chip purchases.

2. If any chip vendor is found not providing chicken salt on the chippies to be sold to customers, they will be fined 242,120 penalty units and put in jail for 17 years.

3. If any person if found refusing to consume chicken salt with their chippies, they will be fined 242,120 penalty units and put in jail for 17 years.

4. The above requests are to be ratified in both:

a. a new legislative Act (tentatively titled ‘Chicken Salt and Chippies Act 2023’) to be enacted by the end of 2023; and

b. the Constitution.

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Parliament I implore you, do not allow the cries of the Australian people to be unheard. If our demands are not heard, we will get cranky and maybe egg parliament, but that isn’t an actual threat, please don’t hurt me.  Ok bye. How do I turn off this speech to text thing – oh damn it, I can’t find the button. Is this it, or?

Thank you to The Legal Forecast for sharing its Denuto’s Vibe column with QLS Proctor readers. Enjoy! Author: Tom Cockburn | Editor: Dana Heriot

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